So I stepped on the scale yesterday randomly and got the biggest shock of my life, 215 pounds and all I could feel was disgust. How the hell did I let that crap happen, where was my brain for this whole process. It’s not to say that I am an overzealous eater, but thinking back I guess I was emotionally eating and just not realizing it. It amazes me how your life can move and you do not have to be a part of it. My grandmother passed in July of 2017 and that turned my whole world and family upside down. I found myself completely depressed but so much so I was functional. Mornings with 1800 or Jose and orange juice with some mango and bacon would get me through most days.
Things got so bad that I found myself in a tub with a razor and my wrists, totally out of control and never asking for help. This is me constantly, people constantly look at me and say things like “you seem healthy, happy” blah blah blah, if only they new. My smile hides every aspect of my turmoil, I suffer in silence and take things out on myself. Well here we are almost three years later and after so much work to get myself to my goal body and happy with me hello 60 pounds. I am devestated that I let things go this far and that I have made horrible choices and basically disconnected from life, body, reason and just let myself go. How many of you have gotten here, where you are so deep in your own crap you cannot see reality.
I am completely awake now though and while I am going to take all of my moments one day at a time I am taking the first step. Yes it is going to be hard, yes I am still going to struggle with asking for help but I do plan on being 60 pounds lighter come December 31, 2020 Blood, sweat and tears. My pescatarian diet I think needs to go out the window for 30-90 days and I might need to try Vegan. Any receipes you guys like that do not include tofu?
Thank you all for reading I also would love to hear from you, I plan to write more frequently and stay tuned for more cooking with datingmyself365.
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