Reflections of a life viewed through other eyes.

It has been ages since I thought to put words to paper and clear my chaotic
mind. The last three months for me have been a beast and I don’t know whether I
am coming or going most times.

My mom who has graciously given the last two months and more of her life to
take care of me during my recovery mentioned to me this morning about sleepless
nights and life reflections. That brought me here; so often in life we have the
perception of what our lives are like and how much we give but at no point do
we really take the time to ask how others see or perceive us. I have had so
many of these nights of Insomnia myself and spend many times wondering how I
could be a better human and why others don’t care for me as I do them. I
suppose that it isn’t truly until the end of one’s life that we understand how
we have touched others.

She, who is imperfectly perfect in all her humanly flaws have been around to
see so many changes in this world and of life. It took me a very long time to
truly get to know her (it is a lifelong journey), I think I was in my own way
as a child, and we were not yet ready for each other. During this time of my recovery,
I was able to sit still and really observe her. I see her laugh, rest, and move
and I am in awe of her energy and thoughtfulness, to so many she is aunty Judy
or big sister, and they may have only taken a moment to glimpse this side of
her. We walk to different paths to the same goal but hers is steeped in
Culture, Tradition and what she knew and mine is new age with the same base.
Quietly reserved might be the best label I have for her it seems simple but has
great depths.

This is the time in her life that she should be enjoying time spent with
grandchildren, great nieces and nephews and spontaneous visits from the actual
nieces and nephews that she had a hand in raising. However, it seems that my
generation is the one who stepped away from the inclusive family, the closeness
that bound us together and caused us to share many memories and Sunday lunches.
We have become so attached to life, work, things, and moments that we forget
the past and how it has sacrificed to shape us. Is that Nature or Nurture I
wonder or is that simply living in the United States? Do we lose our affection
and respect of elders by leaving “HOME” or are we as a generation
just so very selfish that we only have time for ourselves? I can only speak for
myself when I say that I am currently in the same type of situation. We tend to
see our mothers as caregiver, best friend, enemy and dictator for a big part of
our lives. We then go forward into “adulthood” and spend the next
thirty years trying to get over what we thought we went through in our youth. I
have come to the realization that you have to meet people where they are, we
all have different experience even in the same house, but we should take time
out of life to recognize those that have made our journey helpful, less
turbulent.

She is a treat them rough and make them love you sort of person who is very
“traditional” and not many people can handle that, I know I could not
tolerate it when I was growing up. This quiet huge voice that she had with all
the power over my life, but the thing that stands out to me the most was her
strength. I realized this morning when talking to her and being still for a
moment that I get my strength and big heart from her. She is giving in the way
that is very quiet but gets on your nerves at the same time since she always
has a comment. However, she is always the first person there to help (complaint
and all) and the last person to leave. I look at the many family members I have
and wonder why they do not care for her in the ways I think they should. Do
they see her, the sacrifices she made, how she has given to them, or do they
only hear her comments, judgements old time West Indian way?

Sometimes I wish we could go back to the days that there was laughter, playfulness,
and easy comfort those days made us. I look at her and see the woman I might
become and hope that when I am sitting still in my moments of Insomnia that I
have reflections that are filled with love, laughter, caring and the many
people whose lives I have touched. The people that will hopefully remember me
when I am sitting still and no longer running after the WORLD but just sitting
still in my MEMORIES.

I can here and now say thank you for caring for me in the ways you knew how,
thank you for learning to love me despite my horrible youthful self, thank you
for taking the time to silently teach me how to be a mother, lady, woman,
fighter, thank you for all that you did and all that you still do, simply I
LOVE YOU!

#datingmyself365 #reflectionsfromothereyes #Cultureandtradition
#growingupwestindian

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