Happiness, what do you think of when you hear or say this word? The dictionary siply describes (happiness) as the state of being happy. As we are rwuired to stay in and in some cases quarantine ourselves with family and other I think happiness and what it means are truly understood. This is a scary time for us all, for some it will be a time of reflection others will complete projects and start new ones others like me with do all of the above and commune with oneself. I decided at the start of this Pandemic/distraction to move myself and my daughter to somewhere Sunny and to my friends house who feels like home to me.

I was not sure what I expected but I have been at complete peace since I stepped into her door. That no worries, complete accord, acceptance and love that comes from being with people that truly care for you and allow you to be yourself and accet you as you are. While here I decided to take morning walks/runs in part to spend time with myself and the other is in accord with my health journey. I woke up one morning after being here for a week and realized that for the first time in my life since the birth of my daughter I was truly HAPPY. The anxiety suddenly disappeared, I wasnt juggling the many issues I had back home and I wasnt even stressing as I usually do over bills. In fact I find myself looking forward to each day and what it might bring, I am laughing more and being able to feel the sun on my skin is such a blessing.

I have realized more that my happiness also comes from the Sun and heat, I thrive in it. I have had several Endo/IBS flares since I have been here and it doesnt seem as bad as when I am home. This abilty to sit in peace and communie with myself and the sun has brought me my JOY. It is an important part of life and often we get so caught up in our day to day lives that we forget to take time for ourself or to understand the people we really are. Find your Joy and if this moment in time teaches you nothing else I hope you understand that life is precious and you should live each day to the max making sure to include joy and laughter.

I go home Saturday and anxiety has suddenly set in and I wonder if this glow will leave as suddenly as it came.

Until next time, live in the moment, find your joy and be happy.

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That aha moment!

So I stepped on the scale yesterday randomly and got the biggest shock of my life, 215 pounds and all I could feel was disgust. How the hell did I let that crap happen, where was my brain for this whole process. It’s not to say that I am an overzealous eater, but thinking back I guess I was emotionally eating and just not realizing it. It amazes me how your life can move and you do not have to be a part of it. My grandmother passed in July of 2017 and that turned my whole world and family upside down. I found myself completely depressed but so much so I was functional. Mornings with 1800 or Jose and orange juice with some mango and bacon would get me through most days.

Things got so bad that I found myself in a tub with a razor and my wrists, totally out of control and never asking for help. This is me constantly, people constantly look at me and say things like “you seem healthy, happy” blah blah blah, if only they new. My smile hides every aspect of my turmoil, I suffer in silence and take things out on myself. Well here we are almost three years later and after so much work to get myself to my goal body and happy with me hello 60 pounds. I am devestated that I let things go this far and that I have made horrible choices and basically disconnected from life, body, reason and just let myself go. How many of you have gotten here, where you are so deep in your own crap you cannot see reality.

I am completely awake now though and while I am going to take all of my moments one day at a time I am taking the first step. Yes it is going to be hard, yes I am still going to struggle with asking for help but I do plan on being 60 pounds lighter come December 31, 2020 Blood, sweat and tears. My pescatarian diet I think needs to go out the window for 30-90 days and I might need to try Vegan. Any receipes you guys like that do not include tofu?

Thank you all for reading I also would love to hear from you, I plan to write more frequently and stay tuned for more cooking with datingmyself365.

Follow me on IG @datingmyself365 @caribbeancurvystrong @sexyreds14